Audio Drama 6: Yuri Petrov's Melancholy Daily Life

Announcer (Sky High?): Welcome back. Put aside you weariness and strap in your manliness! I'm here to announce a special boxing match!

Announcer: In the red corner, representing Apollon Media, the Crusher for Justice: Willlllld Tigerrrrr!

Announcer: And in the blue corner, representing Kronos Food, the bull tank of the west coast, Rock Biiisooon!

Antonio: I never thought we'd settle things like this!

Kotetsu: Hah! I'll leave you crying like a baby! Just wait until you get a taste of my lever blow.

Announcer: Now, this match has a special rule: powers are not allowed!

Antonio: Referee, be sure you keep an eye on this guy! He plays dirty!

Kotetsu: I'm the one that should be saying that! Come on, let's get this started.

Announcer: Today's match is refereed by his honor, Yuri Petrov!

Yuri: (Why am I doing this...?)

Barnaby: My apologies for the fuss. I can't believe it came to this.

Yuri: I don't think I HAD to be the one to do this.

Barnaby: But isn't being a judge your job?

Yuri: But--

Barnaby: Oh, and one more thing. This is an audio drama, so please read this.

Announcer: Second out!

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Ah, if you'll excuse me.

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Tiger & Bunny: Special Audio Drama. Yuri Petrov's Melancholy Days

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">How did I get roped into this ridiculous farce?

Announcer: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Round one...FIGHT!

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">The answer to that lies approximately an hour ago. As the Hero Administrator, I am responsible for any improvements to be made to the training facilities. I came to the training room at Hero Tower for a special hearing to listen to their requests. Now that I think about it, that might be where my luck ended. I didn't actually have to go there in person to get their suggestions, but I was foolish enough to want to bring my justice directly behind the scenes. No, choosing to hold the meeting here was my biggest mistake...

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Excuse me, are you listening?

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">...mmMMM?! Ah, uh, yes.

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">I can't think of anything in particular I'm dissatisfied with. I'm quite satisfied.

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">I see. Understood. Well, if you think of any improvements or preventive measures, please feel free to report them to me.

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">(This man is Barnaby Brooks Jr. He has gotten his revenge on the man that murdered his parents, Jake, and has taken the title of King of Heroes from Sky High a mere year after his debut. I suppose you could call him a sort of honor student, however, there is now a sort of feeling of frankness from him compared to the first time we met. Is such a man really worth of the mantle of king?)

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Excuse me, are you listening? You're quite absent-minded, aren't you?

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Ah, no, I'm listening. You were referring to the simulation room, correct?

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">I think it would be nice if the simulation room had more variety.

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Oh? And who requested this?

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">As I said before, it was Mr. Origami.

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">I see.

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">(Origami Cyclone. The useless one that fancies himself a ninja. He has the power to mimic other things, but all he uses it for is photo bombing. You can't even call him a real hero. The wrath of justice should smite him, this cosplaying man that does nothing but toady to his sponsors while on television. I long to show him just how harsh things can be to those that ascended the ladder in that fashion. Not to mention, he has that large shuriken! Why doesn't he ever use it? Well, I suppose he IS only cosplaying a hero--)

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Excuse me, are you listening?

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Mmm??

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">[sighing] Mind wandering again?

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Ah, my apologies. I was thinking about some business from court. What were we talking about again?

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Huh?

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">If you could just explain it again a little slower.

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Um, well...There was a request for another locker room in addition to the rooms for men and women that we already have.

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Oh, and who is this one from?

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">From Mr. Fire Emblem, of course.

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">I see.

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">(Fire Emblem. A hero that shares the same fire ability as myself. Of course, saying that is more like an insult. Heh, you call that heat? It makes me laugh just thinking about comparing that to my powers. His flames are barely even hot--medium rare, at best. On the other hand, take my flames, my power, of course I'm the one that--)

Kotetsu: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Argh!!

Kotetsu: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Oh, sorry about that! Didn't see you there! You okay?

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Y-yes. *Somehow*.

Antonio: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Hey, hold it right there, Kotetsu! As usual, you're the first to turn your tail and run!

Kotetsu: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">I'm telling you, I didn't DO anything!

Antonio: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Then why were you running away?!

Kotetsu: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Because you were being annoying! Annoying guys aren't popular, Bachelor Marbling Beef Shoulder Roast!

Antonio: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">YOU ASSHOLE--

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Hold it, hold it! Why are you two even fighting?

Antonio: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Listen to this, Barnaby! While I was in the locker room, he ate my super special pudding!

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Huh?

Antonio: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">I was looking forward to having it after training! I got it from Ms. Agnes! It was my pudding! Mine! Give it back, you bastard!

Kotetsu: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">I already told you! That was MY pudding!

Antonio: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">No, it was mine!

Kotetsu: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Then where did MY pudding go?!

Antonio: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">How the hell should I know?!

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">You're both adults! Stop arguing over pudding!

Kotetsu: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Huh? Say... It was you, Bunny, wasn't it? You were the one who ate my pudding.

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Hm?

Antonio: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Blaming others now? Just how much of a rotten bastard are you, really!?

Kotetsu: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">It's you who's doing that! I just ate my own damn pudding!

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Argh, would you two just stop it already? The puddings were the same, so it was probably a simple mistake. Besides, a guest from the Justice Bureau is here right now. Your behavior is embarrassing.

Kotetsu: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Wha-- The Justice Bureau?

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">...

Kotetsu<span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;"> <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">... Ooh, I knew I've seen your face somewhere, and it was you, mister judge! Hello and thanks for everything you've done for me. And, um, what brought you all the way here today?

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Well, there were some-

Antonio: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Hey, Kotetsu! Don't you dare change the subject!

Kotetsu: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">I'm not!

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">(Hmph. Rock Bison and Wild Tiger. Both of them are a total vintage amongst the Heroes, and it can be said without exaggeration that they would be more suited for a nursing home. Rock Bison in particular is a paper-mache Hero, a mere ornament. If I'm not mistaken, his power is assuming a hardened form through a tough skin... Wait, doesn't this mean that his body simply hardens and that's it? Oh, who cares, he's a NEXT that is hardly different from a human anyway and can be discarded without a second thought. The one who is problematic is the second elderly eyesore, Wild Tiger. This old-fashioned, naïve simpleton has been repeatedly and incorrigibly getting in my way for quite a while. An annoying obstacle of a Hero. And why is that wherever I see his mug my scar starts to ache? Is it because that sinister bearded face? Or perhaps-)

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Excuse me, are you listening?

Yuri:<span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;"> <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Eh!? Err, but of course, of course I am listening. What makes you doubt that?

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Then am I to understand that you agree with the proposition?

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Of course. As an employee of the Justice Bureau, I strive to be as much of assistance as possible.

Antonio: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Fine then, Barnaby. I've always hoped I can settle the score with this guy someday.

Kotetsu: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Hah! I guess you have nothing to complain about now that the mister judge has agreed to play a referee.

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Ehm?

Antonio: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">I should be the one saying that! Besides, if Barnaby was the referee he would probably side with you!

Kotetsu: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Heh! Not that it matters, 'cause we're going to settle this with a K.O.

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">(A referee? What's going on? What on Earth are these morons talking about?)

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Then it is decided. I suppose you will have to keep us company a bit longer, then.

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Errr, could you please wait a second? I'm afraid I'm missing some finer details of this conversation. You want me to mediate their argument or...

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">I believe it should be quite clear but... Both of them kept talking at the same time without listening and making the slightest progress whatsoever, so in order to resolve things fair and square it was agreed that you will arbiter their fight-

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Fight!?

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Well, yes. They are simple-minded people, you see.

Kotetsu: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">By the way, where are we supposed to be boxing?

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">(Boxing...!?)

Antonio: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Hey, getting the jitters already? I would be totally okay with you throwing in the towel right here and now, you hear!?

Kotetsu: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">What did you say!?

Antonio: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">I've barely had the chance to join the action lately! All this accumulated frustration is just-

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Alright, settle down. You are free to beat each other to a pulp right here as far as I am concerned, but I would like to remind you two that our simulation room exists for a purpose.

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">(And thus due to this absurd sequence of events I ended up being forced to take part in this ridiculous farce.)

Announcer: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Final round! Fight!

Antonio: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Let's go, Kotetsu. It's about time we finished our fight.

Kotetsu: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Right on! But wait, aren't you pretty much at the end of your strength now?

Antonio: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">No way! And what's with you, anyway? You're really fired up for somebody who was all reluctant at first. Rrargh!

Kotetsu: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Gh! Take this!

<span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">[Rock Bison and Kotetsu fight in the background]

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Hmm, so it went exactly as I had predicted. I believe the match is going to end very soon, so if you would...

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Err, I'm not sure it's-

<span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">[Alarms go off]

Kotetsu & Antonio: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Huh!?

Announcer: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Attention Heroes! This is an official dispatch order! A wanted criminal has been spotted en route to the East Bronze Stern Medaille area. Power-type Heroes are asked to promptly depart towards the specified location.

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">What a pity. I suppose this is what we call the Hero's fate.

Antonio: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Now of all times...

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Come on, no need to get so annoyed. Our old men must have tired themselves out quite a bit with their silly fight, so if they want to stay and rest I believe they should be free to do so. The one who is going to seize the prize will be me anyway.

Antonio: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">What did you say!?

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Well, if you will excuse me.

Kotetsu: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Oh well, we'll have to finish it some another day. We should get going too!

Antonio: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Hey, wait!

Kotetsu: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">Move it! If we take too long that idiot Lunatic is going to pop out again!

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">(“That idiot Lunatic”, huh...? To think I've been called an idiot by an idiot... Fine then. Allow me, the idiot, to tell you, our wise audience, a certain truth. If my conjecture is correct, neither Wild Tiger nor Rock Bison were lying. Then why have one of their puddings vanished? The man who holds the key to this mystery, and also the true criminal who ate the pudding, is Barnaby Brooks Jr.)

<span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">[MY NOTE: There is an echo of Barnaby saying pudding over and over in an ominous voice<span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;"> during this. Yuri's mind is terrifying.]

Barnaby: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">(The puddings were the same, so it was probably a simple mistake... wasn't it.)

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">(The puddings were the same. This is something that only the criminal knows. In other words, he had committed the theft with full knowledge of the situation. Moreover, he took advantage of my position and coercively muddled the very issue. As I thought, he is a man that must not be underestimated.)

Yuri: <span style="color:rgb(223,236,230);line-height:19px;">(The time has come for me to depart as well. The target is a wanted killer. Tonight, the footfalls of Thanatos will echo there. Wild Tiger, Barnaby Brooks Jr. and the cowardly Heroes! Come and try to halt my justice! If you manage to stop me, each of you will gain nothing but the slave shackles of justice!)